Official Joke Thread

Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest bitch I have ever seen!"
"Don't look at me," I said.
"I wasn't implying it was you, I just-"
"No seriously, don't look at me; you're fucking hideous."


My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"


My son needed a Bone Marrow transplant & we found a perfect match in Argentina. The operation took place & was a great success.My thanks go out to Diego, Marrow Donor.


I made a chicken salad the other day, the cheeky fucker didnt even eat it

I like going bowling; I always make my name '3 Testicles' on the board.That way the TV occasionaly says "Congratulations 3 Testicles! You got a spare."

My wife asked me "Would you like some ice-cream?" I replied "how hard is it?", she cheekily replied "As hard as your cock when you think about me naked",I answered "Go on then, pour me a glass."

if life gives you melons you may be dyslexic

My friend was told by a doctor that she was morbidly obese! .... As if she doesnt have enough on her plate

Atleast after the 2022 World Cup Qatar will have some brilliant stadiums to stone women in

2 tv aerial's got married on the weekend. the wedding was rubbish but the reception was brilliant

a geordie goes on a lads holiday to amsterdam and while hes in the red light district, walks into the nearest brothel.
once inside he asks for the fattest, ugliest girl with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat (LMAO). the madam asks him "feeling kinky tonight sir?"
the geordie replies "no, just homesick"

My wife is carrying our first child, dont applaude, he's 8 the lazy bugger

Mules wrote:

My friend was told by a doctor that she was morbidly obese! .... As if she doesnt have enough on her plate

Atleast after the 2022 World Cup Qatar will have some brilliant stadiums to stone women in

2 tv aerial's got married on the weekend. the wedding was rubbish but the reception was brilliant

a geordie goes on a lads holiday to amsterdam and while hes in the red light district, walks into the nearest brothel.
once inside he asks for the fattest, ugliest girl with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat (LMAO). the madam asks him "feeling kinky tonight sir?"
the geordie replies "no, just homesick"

My wife is carrying our first child, dont applaude, he's 8 the lazy bugger

Swansea City

Sam the Bluebird wrote:

Swansea City

What's the difference between a Jew and Pizza?

A pizza doesn't scream in t-

okay. let's not.

Baker wrote:

What's the difference between a Jew and Pizza?

A pizza doesn't scream in t-

okay. let's not.

That's awful stuff!

Ipswich Town are just like Paul McCartney.. getting excited over one leg.

I was sat opposite this absolutely stunning Thai bird on the train earlier, all I could think was "please don't get an erection, please don't..."

And then she did...

jackal wrote:

I was sat opposite this absolutely stunning Thai bird on the train earlier, all I could think was "please don't get an erection, please don't..."

And then she did...

That should be posted on the transexuals thread

jackal wrote:

I was sat opposite this absolutely stunning Thai bird on the train earlier, all I could think was "please don't get an erection, please don't..."

And then she did...

haha saw that one earlier, sickipedia by any chance

Disney proves that for every princess everything works out for the better ........... well except for pricess diana




also how have we not had any dead baby or rape jokes yet?

i dont think anyone has had the bollocks to post one yet or found any good ones

I really hate all these jokes about rape. You clearly have no idea of the impact it has on peoples lives. A friend of mine was raped a few years ago, and I have only just been released from prison for it.

good un actually

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is?
They don't fancy each other.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

1st of december, World Aids Day….I don’t think it’ll ever take off like Christmas

Grandad: Well, it looks like United might win the title this year

Boy: Aye, tell me something I don't know

Grandad: I can get both my fists up your nan's clopper

Teacher turns to the class and says " Can any of you give me a synonym of with?"

Little Jonny shouts out "Among!!!"

"Very well done Jonny" says the surprised teacher,

"Eh?" Said Jonny, "Oh no Miss, I'm on about the little spastic outside. Look at him run..."

why did the australian cross the road??

because of the current


i was sat waiting for a few hours in brisbane the other day, and what do you know, two float past at once!!

George Clooney has agreed to play the part of Gary Glitter in an upcoming biopic...

Oh she's eleven should start filming next month...

I got in trouble with the wife last night. She asked me where I would like to be buried.


Apparently balls deep in her sisters arse wasn't an appropriate answer

I think Bruno Mars needs to find a less demanding woman - catching grenades, hands on blades, jumping in front of trains?

She's taking the piss Bruno mate, get rid.